Black Ocean

Black ocean,

swallow me up ’til I can no longer breathe

Fill my lungs with your poison

and bring me peace

Let my memories fade as my last tear drops

Take away my pain until it all stops

Let me stay here in this tranquil darkness

Tell me how death can feel harmless

Forgive me for my proven weakness

I never meant to leave you speechless

Don’t forget the predators are out there

living happily without justice or fear

You can’t see but I’m at peace now

but in your bones I’ll forever be loud

Let me float away and burn to ashes

reminding you of no more second chances

No more

No more

I am a part of the ocean, the wind and the trees

There’s no use screaming “forgive me, please!”

One last thought of you and I sigh of relief

One last heartbeat as I fall asleep

“Thank you for waiting,”

Black Ocean

magicaldiary19 ©

6 years!

So, I guess it’s been a while again.

There are many things I could mention but I won’t talk about the world right now.

We all get enough updates, messages and news articles…

This has been my safe space for so long and to think it’s been 6 years is crazy. The support from you guys has helped me through to fight another day and I hope there will be more people resonating with my posts in the future too. I still write about whatever’s going through my mind and my only “goal” is letting it all out. Even if it’s just one person reading it, that will always be enough for me. Anything else is just a bonus.

No poetry or stories today though, just a big virtual hug to whoever’s reading this.

Whatever you’re going through or where you are, you’re not alone. xx

Heaven & Hell

I swear I never meant to fall in love so easily.

From the second her eyes met mine 2 years ago, I could feel it.

As she takes another sip from her Americano cup I wonder if she can see through me. I wonder if she knows that I’m getting flashbacks of every time she’s smiled at me or held my hand really tightly.

This heavenly feeling quickly turns into shame and guilt when I snap back to what’s actually happening. She’s engaged, and he’s probably waiting for her at home right now. The hours pass in a matter of seconds and I’m trying to ignore the creaking from the chair I’m sitting in. I’ve got a gift and a handmade card for her in my handbag and it’s not because I’ve had too much coffee that I’m shaking. Her bright blue eyes are gazing at me, her eyes start to get bleak with tears as she realises what I’m holding in my hands. A huge smile takes place on her face and in a quick motion she finally accepts it.

“I wasn’t expecting this. W-Why?”

Why? Well… Suddenly it felt like someone held me at gunpoint because the truth could wreck everything we’ve built. After what felt like a 10 minute silence I manage to form a sentence. “Because you deserve it”, I say as I inhale the words on the tip of my tongue.

The day passes and we end up an hour late at an event with different musical acts. She’s playing too. Her fiancé‘s in the back not doing or saying much, in fact he hasn’t been with her all night except when her friends were around. She introduces me to him, he gives me a quick nod and carries on avoiding meeting my eyes. The acts are playing on as we sit down near the front row. I can’t stop my heart from racing when she whispers my name or watching her bundle of emotions come to life when something moves her.

The event is now reaching its end and one last dance song is being played. Without any hesitation she gets up and dances like she’s the only one there. Drinks are being spilled and a few people bump into her but she never stops until the song is over.

I want to say I regret not dancing with her but I was completely enchanted by her fearless moves, her sparkling eyes and a laughter I could recognise anywhere. The cold, crisp air fill my lungs but I couldn’t care less. Her spirit is no match to anyone I’ve ever met and as I look around the grass field he’s still not moved.

One last hug and she places her arm on my back.

“It was so wonderful to see you.”

It is now the day after and I’ve had a lump in my throat since 8 am this morning. No matter how I twist and turn this, she can’t be mine. I realise I have to stop looking through every window for a chance because they won’t let me in, they are fading. As I reach the point of picturing her walking down that altar, finally my heart gives in and tears fall down my cheeks.

Who am I to ask anything of her? Who am I to interfere with her happiness? I read into every single detail because I need to know she’ll be okay, if she can’t be with me, I need to know she’s not suffering in silence.

I hope he holds her tight when the rain is pouring down outside. I hope he listens to her when the whirlwind on the inside comes out, she’ll never ask to be held. She’ll never show you where it hurts the most with her words but she’ll hope you somehow notices anyway. It’s in the silence, her eyes and her movements. God, I hope he feels them. I pray he holds her heart like it’s the most precious, fragile thing he’ll ever carry in his hands.

I hope he knows just how god damn lucky he is, and finally, I hope tucks her caramel red hair away and whisper the words I can’t ever say to her every single night.

I love you

My Lover

Do you want to know why I’m afraid?

 

I’m falling for you faster than I thought I would, deeper than I thought I could.

Still, I’m afraid that once I close my eyes for too long, you’ll slip away again.

 

I’m afraid that one day you’ll look at me differently and regret the time we’ve spent.

I wish for my broken bones to mend, and they are, slowly.

 

You’re beautiful,

and it overwhelms me each time I glance at you.

 

There’s a whole entire planet in your eyes, shifting from green, to yellow, to blue.

Oh, if only you knew.

 

My lover,

 

I believe you could carry my heart through anything.

The question is, will you?

Despite all of my fears, will you stay to watch me blossom over time?

 

I need reassurance, I need you to guide me when my sight is blurry.

Will you stay to feel the waves wash away my worries?

 

It will take time, but if you let me keep you,

I’ll show you parts of me no one has seen.

I’ll let you hold me in your arms until I finally believe.

Circumstances

You were right, and… I’m fucked. I’m going around in circles and all I want right now is a drink to take the edge of it. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this particular feeling, only now I’m more aware of it and the very real and possible consequences.

Despite all of that, the overwhelming waves of numbness is crashing over me lately, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to take that feeling away without doing something I might regret. If I cared less and only thought about myself, things would’ve been different from the start. Maybe I’d feel differently and the numbness would be gone. Regardless, it’s hard to say. I don’t think anything can prevent it when you fall back down, not after hitting rock bottom like that. I get attention from a lot of people nowadays, friends, family. I couldn’t be more grateful. That’s why it gets to me even more when I feel this way, because the one I crave the most is you. The you that is in a different place right now and I wonder if you feel this as intense as I do.

Circumstances.

The word in the back of my mind whenever I give in to my daydreams. Nothing has made me feel like you do, and I’m pretty sure nothing else will at this point. The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared that nothing else will, and if I go further away from you, all we’ll ever hold on to is a text message every now and again. “If the circumstances were different.” Well, if they were, God knows I’d never leave you.

On the other hand, I want you to be happy. If you meet someone else, don’t be scared to tell me, I won’t get mad. All I need to know is if you’re truly happy and you deserve someone who can be there with you all the time. You deserve someone who’s on the same path as you, and that is probably not me. Because of what I want to do, everything’s a risk. My career, the income, where I’ll be living… All of these things might change, and it might change drastically depending on possibilities and chances I have to take. I can’t let myself get stuck in one place when I crave to be free, and I can’t ask you to leave when what you need is security and stability, to feel safe. Truth is, I don’t know why everything happened the way it did, but I also know I wouldn’t want it any different. In  my eyes, you’re incredible, and I know you’ll be just as incredible with the one you choose to be with. She will be the luckiest woman in the world, I hope you know that. xx

 

 

The things I’ve been wanting to say…

I always search for meaning and depth with everything, but you know that already. Life has funny ways of giving and taking away, and at the breaking point of one chapter, a new one started with you. I was filled with heartache, frustration and I was desperate to make it go away. The last thing I wanted back then was to fall for someone again, just to end up with a broken heart. Despite that, all it took was less than a day for you to give me a feeling I’ve always been looking for. Reluctantly, I started to accept your love and with all of the phone calls through the month of September… I also started to heal. You’ve heard me laugh, cry, having endless rants of anger or pain, from hating him to missing him then back to laughing at your terrible jokes. Each time your name showed up on my phone screen I knew; that hearing your voice would make me feel like myself again.

I know I’m far from the only one going through things, and when you disappeared for a few months, I understood. The feeling of not knowing what’s next and wanting to escape is very hard to deal with, even if you have supportive people around you. You, too, needed time to heal from your past. Little did I know that when you were gone, I couldn’t understand the way I felt. I didn’t want to admit that despite seeing you once, after everything I’ve been through, I had fallen for you. So, I decided I’d meet other people. I had to forget about you, because I didn’t know if you’d come back. I couldn’t put myself in a situation like that again…

“You look beautiful tonight.” – Uhm… Sorry, what did you say?

Yeah… It didn’t matter who told me that, I knew it wasn’t from you. I couldn’t stop looking though, so I went on many horrible dates. Others were kind and interesting, but none of them captured my heart the way you did. Eventually I was okay with being on my own and taking a break from it all, until I found someone who gave me a completely different feeling, also another I hadn’t felt before. In the midst of it all I tried really hard to forget about my feelings for you, and focus on him instead. I was trying to fool myself into thinking he could be like you, having the same understanding of me, but I have to realise that’s never going to happen.

You see… Every time I close my eyes before I fall asleep, I see your eyes, and I feel your hand holding mine. Our conversations and everything you’ve told me spins in my head and what I crave the most is being with you. It wasn’t until you came back to me that I finally had to admit all of this to myself, and to you. I keep hearing the words when you told me how you felt a few months in, when I wasn’t ready to hear it. Ironically, now that I admit it, things are even harder to take. I know we’re far away from each other, and I’ve been through this before, but not with you. I realise now more than ever that if something or someone is worth it, the distance or other issues won’t matter. It’s about finding solutions despite the pain in between.

Hell, I know I could’ve moved further than this, across the world even and I’d still feel the same way. There’s something about you that makes me feel safe and you see me for exactly who I am. You need to know that, I see you for exactly who you are too. I see someone who’s as passionate as me. I see someone I can trust with everything and anything in life, and I see someone I’d do anything for. You know just as well as me that it’s in the little things, our values, and the fact that we both keep going back to each other. I refuse to believe it was all a coincidence.

I know the distance is hard to take, and I know you have your own things you need to figure out in life. I understand the need to grow into your own skin and feel some kind of certainty of where you’re going. So because of that I see no reason to blame you, or to be mad. If anything, I feel proud of you for fighting back despite the hard times. I know how hard it can be when the voices in your head tells you that you can’t do it. It takes everything that’s left of you to be able to get back up, and you did that. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from everything I’ve been through it’s that; you don’t know when things will change or end. It can happen over time or in a blink of an eye, and one day it’ll be too late. That’s why I need you to understand the reason of me telling you all this at once.

I’ve seen so many things end because neither parts dared to say how they really felt, and everything they wanted was actually right in front of them. So, without being vague this time… I love you. I truly do, as passionately as ever, and with all of my heart. I didn’t think I’d feel this way, believe me, but I’m done denying it. I think I’ll always love you, even if this doesn’t end the way I’d hope. Something that you can’t kill is a connection like ours, despite the distance, if we both find new people or if we go longer than months or years without talking… I just know deep within me that we’d go straight back to talking like we always have, and that is something that has great value to me.

However, if you ever wonder or doubt how I feel, this is it.

One way or another, I’ll always be yours. xx

 

 

Mom

I know I’ve been in and out of my head lately, I just can’t help it. I sometimes wonder if this is feeling has grown to be a part of me now, something I just have to accept and live with. Happiness comes and goes for everyone, but to me it only lasts a few hours before it’s fading again. I’ve been thinking about you, mom. Leaving was the best thing I could’ve done, but it was also the hardest thing I’ve ever have to do in my entire life. Do you still have my things? If so, are you going to keep them? You know, the photo albums, my paintings, the old camera with pictures of me when I was 9 years old. What about the rest of my clothes? I hope you’ll at least give them to charity, someone who needs it more than me. When I woke up this morning a song that reminded me of you wouldn’t stop spinning in my mind. You used to play it for me when I had an anxiety attack to make me cry, and let it out. “I can’t change”, she’s singing over and over again. And you know, I think those words got to you more than it got to me. You can’t change and you won’t change, because you don’t want to.

 

Maybe all of those years of abuse in your young life made you go mad. Insane, crazy, constantly fighting two sides of you. You let the bad side win. You chose the madness over me. Did you know that I haven’t cried in 6 months? See, this is how you’ve trained me. You repeated words until I believed it, and now I either feel nothing or everything at once. For one second I feel sorry for you, the next I feel anger and the rest of the time I feel waves of sadness, emptiness. Trying to forget you is hopeless, and trying to live with it seems unbearable at times. You’re trying to make it seem like I left to hurt you, without ever thinking of why I did it in the first place.

 

I’m aware of every side of it, every single element of hate and doubt you put on my shoulders. You’re not with me, but the ghost of you is. I want to scream “leave me alone!” but I know there’s no one else in my room. They say time will heal and half of me believe in. The other half is stuck in a house where I used to be, where you used to be. The other half of me is in front of you, eyes wide open, pale, not moving. Breathing in the toxic smoke surrounding the whole place. You always told me I was ugly when I cried, that I wore too much make up, no, wear more make up. Change, but don’t change. Your expectations were different every day and I could never keep up. Everything had to be about you, your feelings, your thoughts and opinions. All I could hear was your voice in my mind as mine gradually faded away.

 

Who am I? Can someone answer me that? Because I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know if what I’m doing is learned behaviour, if my thoughts are mine or just an echo of yours. I don’t know if I’m insane, or perfectly fine. Am I struggling more than I realise, or am I improving? I’m so mad at you. You didn’t protect me from the demons you let in, whether the demons were in your mind or other people just like you. You’re weak. Now I miss what I’ve never had, and what I can’t have. I can’t relax because I’m used to the uncertainty, the chaos, the pieces falling beneath my feet. I’m stronger than this, I function. I wake up, and I go on with my day just like everyone else. But if I stop for a second and let my thoughts wander, that’s when the whole world stops. I can’t breathe, everyone’s looking at me. I’m failing. I know it’s not true but it keeps happening. Am I sad or happy? Why am I so numb, why can’t I move? Suddenly I’m scared of standing up. I’m scared of turning my head, afraid of what I might see. Look at what you’ve done to me. Do you even understand it? Because I don’t. I never will.

 

I dreamed of starting a new chapter with you. I pictured you and me at a café discussing furniture and house decorations. Listening to other people talk and enjoying the sweet smell of warm coffee. I hoped you would help me to get back up on my feet, maybe even paint a room together. I dreamed of a normal mother-daughter relationship that was never going to happen. Glorified, idealised. I just wanted to feel safe for once. This is what you’re missing out on. I would’ve updated you with my music and aspirations, maybe I would’ve even told you about the horrible dates I’ve been on. Then what I’d need hear would be “you deserve better”, and that I’m good enough.

Maybe one day we’ll talk. Knowing me, I will listen. Knowing you, you will be the one who has the most to say. But for now, I’ve given you enough chances. I’m going to give myself a chance this time. 

Checkmate

It’s an intense darkness within me. I used to think it followed me around, but I’ve realized lately that it’s surrounding my heart, my mind and my body. Everyone who’s getting close to me either turns on me, uses things against me or simply disappears in times where I need them the most. I always go back to the conclusion that I’m better off alone, but I crave affection too.

It’s Over

The more time I spend trying to understand, the more I realize that I’m going in circles. What seemed like a clip from a perfect movie scene, turned so quickly into a heartbreaking path that we’re now walking alone. I could feel it before the words came out of your mouth. Physically you pulled me closer, but you still pushed me so extremely far away. After everything we’ve been through, I didn’t think you’d leave in the middle of getting myself back on track. I feel like I have to start from scratch now, try to figure out who I am without you.

Genderless?

You’re a girl, so you have to wear dresses, have long hair, do your make up and be feminine. You’re a boy, so you have to be masculine, work out, wear “boy clothes” and act as a boy.

I, just like many others, don’t agree with these two opinions. I constantly struggle between two mindsets and personalities, that I probably wouldn’t have struggled with if it was okay to talk about it. I grew up being forced to wear dresses, and do “girly” things that made me uncomfortable. I felt awkward and insecure, because I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not among the girly girls or with “the boys”. I forced myself to like it though, and eventually I actually did. But then the day came when my femininity was too much.

“You wear too much make up!” “Can you stop looking in the mirror all the time, and act a little tougher, like a man?” 

I got confused… Wasn’t this enough? Wasn’t the struggle to make me wear dresses and act feminine your goal all along? Then other days I was told to be more feminine again. I found myself not liking any part of me. I felt lost, as if no one understood. I felt alone.

Truth is, I still struggle with this. I ask myself “who do I want to be?”, and time after time I have no answer. Or, if I do have an answer, it changes within seconds. I don’t want to be defined by my gender anymore. I want to be genderless, in a way that… If you see me in “boy clothes”, you won’t tell me to be more feminine because I’m a girl. Or, if you see me wearing make up, you won’t think I’m stupid or not strong.

Sometimes I feel feminine and loving long hair, other times I want to cut my hair really short and wear only grey colours. Femininity is personal, masculinity is personal. How you define as either, is personal. Long hair doesn’t have to be feminine, make up is not just for women, and really short hair is not just for men. Be strong enough to be honest with yourself, if not you’ll just suffer. Note to self: What’s between your legs is nobody’s business! Dare to be feminine, dare to be masculine, dare to be genderless or dare to be none of those. The choice is up to you.