So you’re gone again…
All that is left are memories of your pretty blue eyes, adorable smile and curly hair. I miss them, I miss your trees. I remember I looked at your curls and called them trees, because it looked like a whole new world from that particular angle. We both knew it was going to be even harder this time.
Every time, we drive you to the train station and I wait with you. You kiss me harder for each minute that passes, and the last kiss is filled with so much sadness it’s making my knees numb. I wave at you. You wave back, and as the train is gone the emptiness kicks in to the fullest.
Do you remember when I was naked for the first time? When I stood there without make up or clothes, and the words from your lips were “you’re beautiful”.
That was not the first time I was naked in front of you. No… It was when I opened my chest to you. I filled out the blank spaces that has never been spoken out loud before. When I told you that I love you. When you held my hand so tight, and you eyes were crying, and you told me “How did I almost turn my back to this?”. You cried some more, and told me you were sorry for the millionth time. Then I told you that I’m never letting you go, and you told me the same.
We both fought harder than ever this time. Despite the demons trying to tear us apart, we still managed to love each other like never before. The black ocean and its’ reflection of the lights, us, sitting underneath a lamppost. I only need us.
I want to go back to when we were walking through the heart of Ireland. Meeting your crazy but so kindhearted friends. Picturing a life. A life where it’s only the two of us, in a small little house by the seafront. I was naked back then, felt the freedom filling my soul. Breathing new air, as if I’ve been locked in a dirty basement for years. Now I’m back in the basement again, waiting for you. I have an armour around my temple. But on the inside, if you look closely, you can see the blood dripping. I need you. I just really need you.
I miss you.
I’m holding on to someone, who doesn’t feel the need to hold on to me. The feeling of betrayal is too much for my fragile heart to bear. We talk, but not enough. We say the words, but not with the same passion. We smile, but it doesn’t reach up to our eyes. We’re not the same anymore.
The best people in life are free. Like a feather, I fell for you. Slowly, from side to side until I reached your very hands. We were the dreamers with a hopeless romantic heart. The ones who believed in a love so strong, until the flames burned us. We laugh, but not joyfully. We listen, but not truthfully. We look to find, we’re not the same anymore.
As the pain gets a grip on my whole body, I feel my soul fade away. There’s no air in this room. I can’t breathe. I am not good enough, worth enough… To breathe.
You talk to her now. Say words with passion. Smile that reaches all over. You’re the same.
You laugh joyfully. Listen truthfully… But still you look only to find, she’s not the same.
She is not me. She will never be. I’m only a memory in your head. But you can still hear the melody playing. The melody you could only hear, when I was there with you. Hold on to it.
You cheated on the purest thing you’ve ever known.
That is the last tone you’ll ever hear from me again.
Life is different now. You always ask me about my day, how I’m feeling. He never did. I almost feel like I don’t deserve all of your kindness. I’ve never felt this type of love before. It took me two weeks to fall for you. Exactly two weeks for me to get over my grief. You’re not holding back anything, but I am. I’m sorry that I do, I just can’t seem to get away my fears. One step at a time, as you’re reaching for me. I’m imagining how it feels like, to be held in your arms. I should be happy about that, about everything. So I’ve decided to do just that. I’m gonna jump and fall. I’m gonna smile through the process of success and failure. But remember we’re gonna fight, we’ll be rude, we’ll say things we don’t mean. But if this is meant to be. Then it’ll all be worth it. Continue reading “The courage to fall”
“Believe in yourself”, they say. “Just do it!” So tell me how. How can I believe in myself, when I don’t recognize myself in the mirror? How can I believe in myself, when you’re making it worse? I can’t control my feelings whatsoever. They come, and they go. How can you, of all people, forbid me to feel sadness? After everything we’ve been through? Now I’m forced to fake my happiness, as long as it takes. Until my “fake depression” just magically goes away. Let me tell you something, that’s not how it works. Support, makes it go away. Hugs, make it a little easier. Understanding, makes it even better. Words have been thrown at me, raining down like my tear drops. I am struggling for a reason, not by choice. I am struggling. Continue reading “New feelings every day”
Depression is not a choice. It really isn’t. You can’t yell or scare depression away. You can’t smile it away, hide or run from it. At the same time, you can’t let it take over your life. People seem to think it will get better by yelling. Saying things like “You have no reason to feel like this! It’s ridiculous, just stop it.” or “You should be happy you have a home”. But you don’t understand. It is not you I don’t like, or my life I don’t appreciate. It’s me.
Continue reading “Depression is not a choice”
Sometimes you have to hurt others, to save yourself. Because it’s not enough to be understood, but yet not accepted. Why is my pain understandable, but not allowed when I feel it? Don’t you ever wonder the real reason why I keep it to myself? It’s not because you don’t understand, you just don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how to react to my pain, so you tell me you’re tired of it. Can’t you see my tiredness too? The dark circles under my eyes are there for a reason, you know. I don’t sleep anymore. Continue reading “I don’t sleep anymore”
You make me go insane. Even though I’m supposed to be the sane one, ’cause of the image I have of myself in my head. That makes go even more insane. Emptiness finds you, gets back to you, haunts you. There’s nothing you can do about it. Lately I’ve been like a ghost, slowly fading away. We all have ups and downs. But how far down can you get, until you can’t get up again? I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made, I’m sorry for not treating you right. I’m sorry I always let you down. I can’t help it. Is that enough? No! It never will be. Continue reading “Ashamed”