My Lover

Do you want to know why I’m afraid?

 

I’m falling for you faster than I thought I would, deeper than I thought I could.

Still, I’m afraid that once I close my eyes for too long, you’ll slip away again.

 

I’m afraid that one day you’ll look at me differently and regret the time we’ve spent.

I wish for my broken bones to mend, and they are, slowly.

 

You’re beautiful,

and it overwhelms me each time I glance at you.

 

There’s a whole entire planet in your eyes, shifting from green, to yellow, to blue.

Oh, if only you knew.

 

My lover,

 

I believe you could carry my heart through anything.

The question is, will you?

Despite all of my fears, will you stay to watch me blossom over time?

 

I need reassurance, I need you to guide me when my sight is blurry.

Will you stay to feel the waves wash away my worries?

 

It will take time, but if you let me keep you,

I’ll show you parts of me no one has seen.

I’ll let you hold me in your arms until I finally believe.

The things I’ve been wanting to say…

I always search for meaning and depth with everything, but you know that already. Life has funny ways of giving and taking away, and at the breaking point of one chapter, a new one started with you. I was filled with heartache, frustration and I was desperate to make it go away. The last thing I wanted back then was to fall for someone again, just to end up with a broken heart. Despite that, all it took was less than a day for you to give me a feeling I’ve always been looking for. Reluctantly, I started to accept your love and with all of the phone calls through the month of September… I also started to heal. You’ve heard me laugh, cry, having endless rants of anger or pain, from hating him to missing him then back to laughing at your terrible jokes. Each time your name showed up on my phone screen I knew; that hearing your voice would make me feel like myself again.

I know I’m far from the only one going through things, and when you disappeared for a few months, I understood. The feeling of not knowing what’s next and wanting to escape is very hard to deal with, even if you have supportive people around you. You, too, needed time to heal from your past. Little did I know that when you were gone, I couldn’t understand the way I felt. I didn’t want to admit that despite seeing you once, after everything I’ve been through, I had fallen for you. So, I decided I’d meet other people. I had to forget about you, because I didn’t know if you’d come back. I couldn’t put myself in a situation like that again…

“You look beautiful tonight.” – Uhm… Sorry, what did you say?

Yeah… It didn’t matter who told me that, I knew it wasn’t from you. I couldn’t stop looking though, so I went on many horrible dates. Others were kind and interesting, but none of them captured my heart the way you did. Eventually I was okay with being on my own and taking a break from it all, until I found someone who gave me a completely different feeling, also another I hadn’t felt before. In the midst of it all I tried really hard to forget about my feelings for you, and focus on him instead. I was trying to fool myself into thinking he could be like you, having the same understanding of me, but I have to realise that’s never going to happen.

You see… Every time I close my eyes before I fall asleep, I see your eyes, and I feel your hand holding mine. Our conversations and everything you’ve told me spins in my head and what I crave the most is being with you. It wasn’t until you came back to me that I finally had to admit all of this to myself, and to you. I keep hearing the words when you told me how you felt a few months in, when I wasn’t ready to hear it. Ironically, now that I admit it, things are even harder to take. I know we’re far away from each other, and I’ve been through this before, but not with you. I realise now more than ever that if something or someone is worth it, the distance or other issues won’t matter. It’s about finding solutions despite the pain in between.

Hell, I know I could’ve moved further than this, across the world even and I’d still feel the same way. There’s something about you that makes me feel safe and you see me for exactly who I am. You need to know that, I see you for exactly who you are too. I see someone who’s as passionate as me. I see someone I can trust with everything and anything in life, and I see someone I’d do anything for. You know just as well as me that it’s in the little things, our values, and the fact that we both keep going back to each other. I refuse to believe it was all a coincidence.

I know the distance is hard to take, and I know you have your own things you need to figure out in life. I understand the need to grow into your own skin and feel some kind of certainty of where you’re going. So because of that I see no reason to blame you, or to be mad. If anything, I feel proud of you for fighting back despite the hard times. I know how hard it can be when the voices in your head tells you that you can’t do it. It takes everything that’s left of you to be able to get back up, and you did that. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from everything I’ve been through it’s that; you don’t know when things will change or end. It can happen over time or in a blink of an eye, and one day it’ll be too late. That’s why I need you to understand the reason of me telling you all this at once.

I’ve seen so many things end because neither parts dared to say how they really felt, and everything they wanted was actually right in front of them. So, without being vague this time… I love you. I truly do, as passionately as ever, and with all of my heart. I didn’t think I’d feel this way, believe me, but I’m done denying it. I think I’ll always love you, even if this doesn’t end the way I’d hope. Something that you can’t kill is a connection like ours, despite the distance, if we both find new people or if we go longer than months or years without talking… I just know deep within me that we’d go straight back to talking like we always have, and that is something that has great value to me.

However, if you ever wonder or doubt how I feel, this is it.

One way or another, I’ll always be yours. xx

 

 

Mom

I know I’ve been in and out of my head lately, I just can’t help it. I sometimes wonder if this is feeling has grown to be a part of me now, something I just have to accept and live with. Happiness comes and goes for everyone, but to me it only lasts a few hours before it’s fading again. I’ve been thinking about you, mom. Leaving was the best thing I could’ve done, but it was also the hardest thing I’ve ever have to do in my entire life. Do you still have my things? If so, are you going to keep them? You know, the photo albums, my paintings, the old camera with pictures of me when I was 9 years old. What about the rest of my clothes? I hope you’ll at least give them to charity, someone who needs it more than me. When I woke up this morning a song that reminded me of you wouldn’t stop spinning in my mind. You used to play it for me when I had an anxiety attack to make me cry, and let it out. “I can’t change”, she’s singing over and over again. And you know, I think those words got to you more than it got to me. You can’t change and you won’t change, because you don’t want to.

 

Maybe all of those years of abuse in your young life made you go mad. Insane, crazy, constantly fighting two sides of you. You let the bad side win. You chose the madness over me. Did you know that I haven’t cried in 6 months? See, this is how you’ve trained me. You repeated words until I believed it, and now I either feel nothing or everything at once. For one second I feel sorry for you, the next I feel anger and the rest of the time I feel waves of sadness, emptiness. Trying to forget you is hopeless, and trying to live with it seems unbearable at times. You’re trying to make it seem like I left to hurt you, without ever thinking of why I did it in the first place.

 

I’m aware of every side of it, every single element of hate and doubt you put on my shoulders. You’re not with me, but the ghost of you is. I want to scream “leave me alone!” but I know there’s no one else in my room. They say time will heal and half of me believe in. The other half is stuck in a house where I used to be, where you used to be. The other half of me is in front of you, eyes wide open, pale, not moving. Breathing in the toxic smoke surrounding the whole place. You always told me I was ugly when I cried, that I wore too much make up, no, wear more make up. Change, but don’t change. Your expectations were different every day and I could never keep up. Everything had to be about you, your feelings, your thoughts and opinions. All I could hear was your voice in my mind as mine gradually faded away.

 

Who am I? Can someone answer me that? Because I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know if what I’m doing is learned behaviour, if my thoughts are mine or just an echo of yours. I don’t know if I’m insane, or perfectly fine. Am I struggling more than I realise, or am I improving? I’m so mad at you. You didn’t protect me from the demons you let in, whether the demons were in your mind or other people just like you. You’re weak. Now I miss what I’ve never had, and what I can’t have. I can’t relax because I’m used to the uncertainty, the chaos, the pieces falling beneath my feet. I’m stronger than this, I function. I wake up, and I go on with my day just like everyone else. But if I stop for a second and let my thoughts wander, that’s when the whole world stops. I can’t breathe, everyone’s looking at me. I’m failing. I know it’s not true but it keeps happening. Am I sad or happy? Why am I so numb, why can’t I move? Suddenly I’m scared of standing up. I’m scared of turning my head, afraid of what I might see. Look at what you’ve done to me. Do you even understand it? Because I don’t. I never will.

 

I dreamed of starting a new chapter with you. I pictured you and me at a café discussing furniture and house decorations. Listening to other people talk and enjoying the sweet smell of warm coffee. I hoped you would help me to get back up on my feet, maybe even paint a room together. I dreamed of a normal mother-daughter relationship that was never going to happen. Glorified, idealised. I just wanted to feel safe for once. This is what you’re missing out on. I would’ve updated you with my music and aspirations, maybe I would’ve even told you about the horrible dates I’ve been on. Then what I’d need hear would be “you deserve better”, and that I’m good enough.

Maybe one day we’ll talk. Knowing me, I will listen. Knowing you, you will be the one who has the most to say. But for now, I’ve given you enough chances. I’m going to give myself a chance this time. 

Checkmate

It’s an intense darkness within me. I used to think it followed me around, but I’ve realized lately that it’s surrounding my heart, my mind and my body. Everyone who’s getting close to me either turns on me, uses things against me or simply disappears in times where I need them the most. I always go back to the conclusion that I’m better off alone, but I crave affection too.

It’s Over

The more time I spend trying to understand, the more I realize that I’m going in circles. What seemed like a clip from a perfect movie scene, turned so quickly into a heartbreaking path that we’re now walking alone. I could feel it before the words came out of your mouth. Physically you pulled me closer, but you still pushed me so extremely far away. After everything we’ve been through, I didn’t think you’d leave in the middle of getting myself back on track. I feel like I have to start from scratch now, try to figure out who I am without you.

New feelings every day

“Believe in yourself”, they say. “Just do it!” So tell me how. How can I believe in myself, when I don’t recognize myself in the mirror? How can I believe in myself, when you’re making it worse? I can’t control my feelings whatsoever. They come, and they go. How can you, of all people, forbid me to feel sadness? After everything we’ve been through? Now I’m forced to fake my happiness, as long as it takes. Until my “fake depression” just magically goes away. Let me tell you something, that’s not how it works. Support, makes it go away. Hugs, make it a little easier. Understanding, makes it even better. Words have been thrown at me, raining down like my tear drops. I am struggling for a reason, not by choice. I am struggling.

The surroundings of my heart

My heart has sunken bit by bit. Your face in my dreams doesn’t make it any better. I’m hurt. I feel as if my body’s like a stone sinking, deeper into the unknown. Deeper into the ocean. Paralyzed by my past days, my past scars. I live on. We live on. “Put your mask on…”, they say. “Then you’ll be alright”. I won’t. Someday I might be, but now’s not the time. I feel stuck between something that I cannot reach. Falling, as the ground beneath my feet, slips away. In just a second I was happy, the next I’m a fool for believing so. One step at a time, I’ll get there. But what’s surrounding my heart, is too strong for me to handle. I’m older now, but the hole is still there, going deeper.

A letter to my intoxicating first love 💔

From: A girl who gave it all.

To: A boy who wasted his life.

You were my first love. You might remember me from your past memories. We used to mean the world to each other, at least I thought so at the time, but now we’re going separate ways. Before you start judging, or feel the need to stop reading, don’t. Just for once hear me out, completely. I used to look at you, and all I saw was beautiful things. No matter how painful it was when your demons showed up. It was like that from the beginning, I should’ve known, but I didn’t… Because I gave you a second chance to give yourself up to something real, true love. But you wasted it, like you always do.