You were right, and… I’m fucked. I’m going around in circles and all I want right now is a drink to take the edge of it. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this particular feeling, only now I’m more aware of it and the very real and possible consequences.
Despite all of that, the overwhelming waves of numbness is crashing over me lately, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to take that feeling away without doing something I might regret. If I cared less and only thought about myself, things would’ve been different from the start. Maybe I’d feel differently and the numbness would be gone. Regardless, it’s hard to say. I don’t think anything can prevent it when you fall back down, not after hitting rock bottom like that. I get attention from a lot of people nowadays, friends, family. I couldn’t be more grateful. That’s why it gets to me even more when I feel this way, because the one I crave the most is you. The you that is in a different place right now and I wonder if you feel this as intense as I do.
Circumstances.
The word in the back of my mind whenever I give in to my daydreams. Nothing has made me feel like you do, and I’m pretty sure nothing else will at this point. The thing is, I’m scared. I’m scared that nothing else will, and if I go further away from you, all we’ll ever hold on to is a text message every now and again. “If the circumstances were different.” Well, if they were, God knows I’d never leave you.
On the other hand, I want you to be happy. If you meet someone else, don’t be scared to tell me, I won’t get mad. All I need to know is if you’re truly happy and you deserve someone who can be there with you all the time. You deserve someone who’s on the same path as you, and that is probably not me. Because of what I want to do, everything’s a risk. My career, the income, where I’ll be living… All of these things might change, and it might change drastically depending on possibilities and chances I have to take. I can’t let myself get stuck in one place when I crave to be free, and I can’t ask you to leave when what you need is security and stability, to feel safe. Truth is, I don’t know why everything happened the way it did, but I also know I wouldn’t want it any different. In my eyes, you’re incredible, and I know you’ll be just as incredible with the one you choose to be with. She will be the luckiest woman in the world, I hope you know that. xx
magicaldiary 