Genderless?

You’re a girl, so you have to wear dresses, have long hair, do your make up and be feminine. You’re a boy, so you have to be masculine, work out, wear “boy clothes” and act as a boy.

I, just like many others, don’t agree with these two opinions. I constantly struggle between two mindsets and personalities, that I probably wouldn’t have struggled with if it was okay to talk about it. I grew up being forced to wear dresses, and do “girly” things that made me uncomfortable. I felt awkward and insecure, because I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not among the girly girls or with “the boys”. I forced myself to like it though, and eventually I actually did. But then the day came when my femininity was too much.

“You wear too much make up!” “Can you stop looking in the mirror all the time, and act a little tougher, like a man?” 

I got confused… Wasn’t this enough? Wasn’t the struggle to make me wear dresses and act feminine your goal all along? Then other days I was told to be more feminine again. I found myself not liking any part of me. I felt lost, as if no one understood. I felt alone.

Truth is, I still struggle with this. I ask myself “who do I want to be?”, and time after time I have no answer. Or, if I do have an answer, it changes within seconds. I don’t want to be defined by my gender anymore. I want to be genderless, in a way that… If you see me in “boy clothes”, you won’t tell me to be more feminine because I’m a girl. Or, if you see me wearing make up, you won’t think I’m stupid or not strong.

Sometimes I feel feminine and loving long hair, other times I want to cut my hair really short and wear only grey colours. Femininity is personal, masculinity is personal. How you define as either, is personal. Long hair doesn’t have to be feminine, make up is not just for women, and really short hair is not just for men. Be strong enough to be honest with yourself, if not you’ll just suffer. Note to self: What’s between your legs is nobody’s business! Dare to be feminine, dare to be masculine, dare to be genderless or dare to be none of those. The choice is up to you.