Black Ocean

Black ocean,

swallow me up ’til I can no longer breathe

Fill my lungs with your poison

and bring me peace

Let my memories fade as my last tear drops

Take away my pain until it all stops

Let me stay here in this tranquil darkness

Tell me how death can feel harmless

Forgive me for my proven weakness

I never meant to leave you speechless

Don’t forget the predators are out there

living happily without justice or fear

You can’t see but I’m at peace now

but in your bones I’ll forever be loud

Let me float away and burn to ashes

reminding you of no more second chances

No more

No more

I am a part of the ocean, the wind and the trees

There’s no use screaming “forgive me, please!”

One last thought of you and I sigh of relief

One last heartbeat as I fall asleep

“Thank you for waiting,”

Black Ocean

magicaldiary19 ©

Heaven & Hell

I swear I never meant to fall in love so easily.

From the second her eyes met mine 2 years ago, I could feel it.

As she takes another sip from her Americano cup I wonder if she can see through me. I wonder if she knows that I’m getting flashbacks of every time she’s smiled at me or held my hand really tightly.

This heavenly feeling quickly turns into shame and guilt when I snap back to what’s actually happening. She’s engaged, and he’s probably waiting for her at home right now. The hours pass in a matter of seconds and I’m trying to ignore the creaking from the chair I’m sitting in. I’ve got a gift and a handmade card for her in my handbag and it’s not because I’ve had too much coffee that I’m shaking. Her bright blue eyes are gazing at me, her eyes start to get bleak with tears as she realises what I’m holding in my hands. A huge smile takes place on her face and in a quick motion she finally accepts it.

“I wasn’t expecting this. W-Why?”

Why? Well… Suddenly it felt like someone held me at gunpoint because the truth could wreck everything we’ve built. After what felt like a 10 minute silence I manage to form a sentence. “Because you deserve it”, I say as I inhale the words on the tip of my tongue.

The day passes and we end up an hour late at an event with different musical acts. She’s playing too. Her fiancé‘s in the back not doing or saying much, in fact he hasn’t been with her all night except when her friends were around. She introduces me to him, he gives me a quick nod and carries on avoiding meeting my eyes. The acts are playing on as we sit down near the front row. I can’t stop my heart from racing when she whispers my name or watching her bundle of emotions come to life when something moves her.

The event is now reaching its end and one last dance song is being played. Without any hesitation she gets up and dances like she’s the only one there. Drinks are being spilled and a few people bump into her but she never stops until the song is over.

I want to say I regret not dancing with her but I was completely enchanted by her fearless moves, her sparkling eyes and a laughter I could recognise anywhere. The cold, crisp air fill my lungs but I couldn’t care less. Her spirit is no match to anyone I’ve ever met and as I look around the grass field he’s still not moved.

One last hug and she places her arm on my back.

“It was so wonderful to see you.”

It is now the day after and I’ve had a lump in my throat since 8 am this morning. No matter how I twist and turn this, she can’t be mine. I realise I have to stop looking through every window for a chance because they won’t let me in, they are fading. As I reach the point of picturing her walking down that altar, finally my heart gives in and tears fall down my cheeks.

Who am I to ask anything of her? Who am I to interfere with her happiness? I read into every single detail because I need to know she’ll be okay, if she can’t be with me, I need to know she’s not suffering in silence.

I hope he holds her tight when the rain is pouring down outside. I hope he listens to her when the whirlwind on the inside comes out, she’ll never ask to be held. She’ll never show you where it hurts the most with her words but she’ll hope you somehow notices anyway. It’s in the silence, her eyes and her movements. God, I hope he feels them. I pray he holds her heart like it’s the most precious, fragile thing he’ll ever carry in his hands.

I hope he knows just how god damn lucky he is, and finally, I hope tucks her caramel red hair away and whisper the words I can’t ever say to her every single night.

I love you

Checkmate

It’s an intense darkness within me. I used to think it followed me around, but I’ve realized lately that it’s surrounding my heart, my mind and my body. Everyone who’s getting close to me either turns on me, uses things against me or simply disappears in times where I need them the most. I always go back to the conclusion that I’m better off alone, but I crave affection too.

It’s Over

The more time I spend trying to understand, the more I realize that I’m going in circles. What seemed like a clip from a perfect movie scene, turned so quickly into a heartbreaking path that we’re now walking alone. I could feel it before the words came out of your mouth. Physically you pulled me closer, but you still pushed me so extremely far away. After everything we’ve been through, I didn’t think you’d leave in the middle of getting myself back on track. I feel like I have to start from scratch now, try to figure out who I am without you.

She is not me

I’m holding on to someone, who doesn’t feel the need to hold on to me. The feeling of betrayal is too much for my fragile heart to bear. We talk, but not enough. We say the words, but not with the same passion. We smile, but it doesn’t reach up to our eyes. We’re not the same anymore.

The best people in life are free. Like a feather, I fell for you. Slowly, from side to side until I reached your very hands. We were the dreamers with a hopeless romantic heart. The ones who believed in a love so strong, until the flames burned us. We laugh, but not joyfully. We listen, but not truthfully. We look to find, we’re not the same anymore.

As the pain gets a grip on my whole body, I feel my soul fade away. There’s no air in this room. I can’t breathe. I am not good enough, worth enough… To breathe.

You talk to her now. Say words with passion. Smile that reaches all over. You’re the same.

You laugh joyfully. Listen truthfully… But still you look only to find, she’s not the same.

She is not me. She will never be. I’m only a memory in your head. But you can still hear the melody playing. The melody you could only hear, when I was there with you. Hold on to it.

You cheated on the purest thing you’ve ever known.

That is the last tone you’ll ever hear from me again.

The courage to fall

Life is different now. You always ask me about my day, how I’m feeling. He never did. I almost feel like I don’t deserve all of your kindness. I’ve never felt this type of love before. It took me two weeks to fall for you. Exactly two weeks for me to get over my grief. You’re not holding back anything, but I am. I’m sorry that I do, I just can’t seem to get away my fears. One step at a time, as you’re reaching for me. I’m imagining how it feels like, to be held in your arms. I should be happy about that, about everything. So I’ve decided to do just that. I’m gonna jump and fall. I’m gonna smile through the process of success and failure. But remember we’re gonna fight, we’ll be rude, we’ll say things we don’t mean. But if this is meant to be. Then it’ll all be worth it. 

New feelings every day

“Believe in yourself”, they say. “Just do it!” So tell me how. How can I believe in myself, when I don’t recognize myself in the mirror? How can I believe in myself, when you’re making it worse? I can’t control my feelings whatsoever. They come, and they go. How can you, of all people, forbid me to feel sadness? After everything we’ve been through? Now I’m forced to fake my happiness, as long as it takes. Until my “fake depression” just magically goes away. Let me tell you something, that’s not how it works. Support, makes it go away. Hugs, make it a little easier. Understanding, makes it even better. Words have been thrown at me, raining down like my tear drops. I am struggling for a reason, not by choice. I am struggling.

Depression is not a choice

Depression is not a choice. It really isn’t. You can’t yell or scare depression away. You can’t smile it away, hide or run from it. At the same time, you can’t let it take over your life. People seem to think it will get better by yelling. Saying things like “You have no reason to feel like this! It’s ridiculous, just stop it.” or “You should be happy you have a home”. But you don’t understand. It is not you I don’t like, or my life I don’t appreciate. It’s me.

 

I don’t sleep anymore

Sometimes you have to hurt others, to save yourself. Because it’s not enough to be understood, but yet not accepted. Why is my pain understandable, but not allowed when I feel it? Don’t you ever wonder the real reason why I keep it to myself? It’s not because you don’t understand, you just don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how to react to my pain, so you tell me you’re tired of it. Can’t you see my tiredness too? The dark circles under my eyes are there for a reason, you know. I don’t sleep anymore.