High School’s coming up next monday, and I’m excited. I felt stuck in middle school. Like there was a thick, black fog hanging all over the place. I never liked that school, ’cause all the people either dragged each other down, or dragged themselves down. I on the other hand, was already down before I started.
My depression held me down my first two years in middle school. My last year, I didn’t give a fly about the people anymore. I just focused on my grades, and tried to make them better so I could start doing what I really want. When I look back at all I’ve been through at very young age, I don’t think I’d be able to go through it again. Then again, I’m gonna have to listen to my own advices and believe that there is a reason for everything.
Through my bad years, I’ve learned who to trust. And it’s crazy that none of the people I knew until now, is on my friendlist anymore. None of them truly understood me. Rather than trying to get wiser, they took advantage of my insecurity. But now things are about to change, and not only where I’ll be spending my days for 3 years, but also my insecurity. I can feel good times finally show up at my door, and not only stay for a cup of tea, then leave me alone with only four walls and the hands of depression.
I’m sure many of you know what I’m talking about. Depression is talked about, but felt by few… Instead of writing this on paper, for only throwing it away later… I’m writing it here, hoping that my words somehow will help or inspire. ‘Cause that’s the only thing that matters to me, really. Honestly, I never thought I’d find myself writing anything online. But the people I’ve been talking to so far, seems as desperate as me to let creativity take the wheel, and feel like you have a place in this world too.
Not like, “people on here are desperate”. I meant like… When you’ve been through a lot, and you finally make peace with yourself, and the world. You feel like you’ve been locked in a cage with not only chains physically but around your heart and mind too. But then all of a sudden the door opens, and when you step out as careful and quiet as you can, everything you’ve imagined is standing in front of you.
You look around, but there is no signs that it isn’t real. At least that’s what I felt like, exactly like that in fact, when I found myself again. I didn’t have to look a thousand times over my shoulder anymore. There wasn’t a person calling me, yelling at me for no reason. There was no heartache anymore. Neither was the person who broke my heart into a million pieces, in my life anymore. And here I am, writing about my deepest thoughts like I’ve done it many times before. Just to asure you, that nothing is impossible.
I have days when I want to disappear. I have days when I hate myself again. I have days when I want to cry, but my tears have been dried up years ago. But I didn’t give up, and I won’t ever give up either. No matter how much it takes to get where I want, I will be cheering for you as much as you are cheering for me.
I know I don’t have a lot of followers, but as I’ve written before. To me all that matters is one person who understands. And I’m sure if you read it all through, you are one of the few who are just like me. Only time will show if my words matter on this site.
I haven’t found my “group” yet, and I never needed one. At least for now… I’m a bit confused, but I’m more at peace now than I’ve ever been.
magicaldiary 