I swear I never meant to fall in love so easily.
From the second her eyes met mine 2 years ago, I could feel it.
As she takes another sip from her Americano cup I wonder if she can see through me. I wonder if she knows that I’m getting flashbacks of every time she’s smiled at me or held my hand really tightly.
This heavenly feeling quickly turns into shame and guilt when I snap back to what’s actually happening. She’s engaged, and he’s probably waiting for her at home right now. The hours pass in a matter of seconds and I’m trying to ignore the creaking from the chair I’m sitting in. I’ve got a gift and a handmade card for her in my handbag and it’s not because I’ve had too much coffee that I’m shaking. Her bright blue eyes are gazing at me, her eyes start to get bleak with tears as she realises what I’m holding in my hands. A huge smile takes place on her face and in a quick motion she finally accepts it.
“I wasn’t expecting this. W-Why?”
Why? Well… Suddenly it felt like someone held me at gunpoint because the truth could wreck everything we’ve built. After what felt like a 10 minute silence I manage to form a sentence. “Because you deserve it”, I say as I inhale the words on the tip of my tongue.
The day passes and we end up an hour late at an event with different musical acts. She’s playing too. Her fiancé‘s in the back not doing or saying much, in fact he hasn’t been with her all night except when her friends were around. She introduces me to him, he gives me a quick nod and carries on avoiding meeting my eyes. The acts are playing on as we sit down near the front row. I can’t stop my heart from racing when she whispers my name or watching her bundle of emotions come to life when something moves her.
The event is now reaching its end and one last dance song is being played. Without any hesitation she gets up and dances like she’s the only one there. Drinks are being spilled and a few people bump into her but she never stops until the song is over.
I want to say I regret not dancing with her but I was completely enchanted by her fearless moves, her sparkling eyes and a laughter I could recognise anywhere. The cold, crisp air fill my lungs but I couldn’t care less. Her spirit is no match to anyone I’ve ever met and as I look around the grass field he’s still not moved.
One last hug and she places her arm on my back.
“It was so wonderful to see you.”
It is now the day after and I’ve had a lump in my throat since 8 am this morning. No matter how I twist and turn this, she can’t be mine. I realise I have to stop looking through every window for a chance because they won’t let me in, they are fading. As I reach the point of picturing her walking down that altar, finally my heart gives in and tears fall down my cheeks.
Who am I to ask anything of her? Who am I to interfere with her happiness? I read into every single detail because I need to know she’ll be okay, if she can’t be with me, I need to know she’s not suffering in silence.
I hope he holds her tight when the rain is pouring down outside. I hope he listens to her when the whirlwind on the inside comes out, she’ll never ask to be held. She’ll never show you where it hurts the most with her words but she’ll hope you somehow notices anyway. It’s in the silence, her eyes and her movements. God, I hope he feels them. I pray he holds her heart like it’s the most precious, fragile thing he’ll ever carry in his hands.
I hope he knows just how god damn lucky he is, and finally, I hope tucks her caramel red hair away and whisper the words I can’t ever say to her every single night.
I love you
magicaldiary 